It's constantly changing. Right now, I'm okay and I think I'm kinda cute, even though I"m going to the gym now because I'm starting to get too big for my clothes. I can't afford to buy more right now, so I have to use the gym membership that i'm already paying for.

sometimes i don't like it very much, but that's usually only after looking at someone else who i think looks beautiful and then looking back at my body.

I intially wrote this blog on myspace, but i felt like i might get more of a response if i posted it here as well.
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It is at times like these that I appreciate this medium of expression the most. I can say what I want to say and everyone or no one will read it and it doesn't matter either way because the point is for me to get off of my chest the things that are weighing on me anyway.

Right now, it's not so much that I don't have adequate words to describe how I'm feeling, I just don't want to hear it again. It's the same 'ol line. The same refrain. I'm tired of saying it, so I'm sure you're tired of hearing me say it. So I won't.

Today I felt another whisper from within, that that bit of prophesy that I received over two years ago now, may actually be true. The weird thing (or not so wierd thing) about prophesies is that you rarely believe them when you initially hear them. The really good ones are so far out there at the time that you hear them that you really have a hard time accepting it. In my case, I cried for like 2 days straight. At times like this, it still makes me a little sad, but when I look within and take a candid inventory of me, I am able to see how such an unimaginable thing could actually be my fate. I think the other thing with prophesies is that simply the act of hearing them starts in motion events that will serve to bring that thing to pass. I once heard it said all of heaven is just waiting for you to make a quality decision. And once you make that decision it all lines up behind you, ready to bring that thing to pass.

...

Carefully. That's an answer to the question I just asked myself. How do you live with other people when you are convinced that they not only know less than you, but that they are so ignorant that they don't even want to know the ultimate truth that you feel you've discovered and that they wouldn't even be able to understand it if you tried to explain it to them? I feel like I doomed to talk around people but never really to them. As I've shared with friends of mine of a similar mindset, I feel like I have to be careful what I say around people who are still absorbed in their own (archaic) beliefs. There is another school of thought that says that it is my responsibility as one who does know more to do all that I can to share that knowledge with the world whether they want to hear it or not. But if I do that, how am I any different from the proselytizers who I had to walk away from. But then I feel like I am then sentencing myself to a disconnected existence. That above all is simply unacceptable. And then there's that whole thing about I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me. Somehow using that as a crutch for my indecision just doesn't work for me. It's not because I think I'm going to die young (in which case my youth really does mean nothing). In fact I feel that that won't be the case. So that still leaves me with this desire to decide something about everything. NOW!!!. lol. Not gonna happen I know, but that again doesn't help me feel any less uneasy about me not really knowing what is going in in my life. I can't shake the feeling that I'm waiting for something, even though I have told myself on many occasions that there isn't a savior coming to save me from myself. But with that said, God is. Although He isn't. God still is. And somehow that has to mean something. That even though it's wrapped in some pretty horrible packaging, the truth is still buried within it. God can never leave you, because God is closer to you than your next breath. In fact it truly is in God that we all live, move and have our being.

It's new.
I'm still working it all out.
I hope you comment.

May you feel and be the peace and the love.

Is studying Taoims a contradiction in terms? If by defintion Tao is the undefinable and un-nameable essence of all that there is, how can one study it?

Can I read the Tao Te Ching or the Hua Hu Ching the way I read my bible? Everyday a different section? Maybe I can. But my hesistation is that I'd then make Taoism my religion just as I made Christianity my religion and isn't Taoism an encouragement to leave religion behind for something truer?

So I guess my question is how can I study of the writings of Taosim while remaining a true student of the Tao?

School for me when I was young is about the same as life is now (although things are changing). When it came to the class work, I was in heaven. I've always enjoyed school  for the learning. The difficulty always arose when I had to interact with my peers. I remember one incident in particular when I was in third grade. For some reason all the girls decided to gang up on me in the bathroom. Thankfully they didn't fight me. I think I disagreed with another girl who was more popular than me over something. So all the rest of the girls took her side on whatever it was. It's not something that haunts me today, or anything like that. It was just an incident that was quite characteristic of my time as a youth in school.

Even now at my job I've met people who I suspect don't like me, and I'm okay with that. I know that I a person who you either love or hate and I can't do anything about those who dislike me. I just keep it moving and keep on being uniquely me. :-)

I think the last genuine conversation I had was with this guy i recently met. He was one of those people that I feel so comfortable that I will be open ad honest about anything.

Truthfully, I would like to have a lot more such conversations, but I seem to be isolated from people who share that desire. I know the people are there, I just haven't connected with them for whatever reason. That is actually part of the reason that I joined Zaadz. I wanted to find people that I could be authentic with and who would be authentic with me in an effort to make things happen.

I used to have them all the time with my friends in college, but when I graduated and we moved away from each other, they just kinda stopped.

The goal is now to connect with other people who can fill that void.